I'm missing home...

Things are very far away from me right now, as if I am watching silently in the background as events unfold, people speak, hands touch.  I have somehow made everything complicated and ugly and am not sure where to begin the arduous task of cleaning it up.  I seem to recall smiling a lot more in my past lives, the left side of my cheek pulling up a little higher than the right.  Now it seems unwarranted and fake, but I do it anyway because it makes everyone more comfortable.  I'll grin like a Cheshire cat if it means that you won't ask me questions.  I don't have the answers anyway.  Sometimes late at night, I'll sit on my steps smoking a cigarette and looking at the sky, wondering if I am really connected to any one or any thing at all.  Sometimes I tread barefoot into the street hoping that someone I once knew will drive past.  Sometimes I lie awake in bed trying to drag memories from the recesses of my mind, only to find they are blurry and dubbed over.  I'm not even really sure what really happened at this point.  All I know is that I am missing home.