Big Grrrls Don't Cry

I wonder how much farther I have to go. I wonder where we are--what is going on below us. There are people going about their lives and I want to jump out of my skin trapped in this little metal tube. I got stuck in the shitty seat by the engine and my whole body vibrates. My free diet coke stagnates on my seat tray. Not to mention the annoying man beside me who keeps asking me questions about my life. I live here. I work there. Yeah, I've seen that movie. I don't want to talk. I just want to sit and be nervous. I stopped trying to read the five dollar paperback I bought at the store before we left. I'm not even processing the words, just turning the pages hoping that time will speed up...just until I get there.

I'm almost there. I can't see anything out of the window. Just black and the blinking light on the wing of the plane. I've started biting on my nails. I can't sit here anymore. We have to be close. I've been waiting hours to hear the flight attendant announce our arrival. Actually, I've been waiting months to make my arrival.

It was one of those things--those things I had to do regardless of what anyone thought. I had to go. I had to get out of that place--I couldn't breathe in that place. I didn't even feel guilty when I bought the ticket. Just point and click and it was done. I didn't tell anyone though. I just left. Nothing mattered, except the need to escape. I needed to be anywhere but home.

The pilot it talking. I don't hear the words. Blah, Blah, Blah..Temperature...Blah,Blah, Gate...Customs...Blah, Blah. I've moved forward in my seat, so I can see out the window. Still nothing.

I'm not even sure how I made it to this point. There were mornings I couldn't even get out of bed. I had to sleep with the t.v. on, because waking up to blackness brought reality crashing down around me. I stopped listening to music, because it only made me think of you, of the time we were losing, the time we had lost. I contemplated Prozac. I contemplated vodka and rum. I wasn't as strong as you.

I'm doing better now--now that I'm heading your way. Finally, the blackness has shifted. A thousand points of light glitter and fade below me. I know that somewhere in the yellow and gold, you are waiting for me to arrive.

It feels like we are always waiting to arrive. I just want to get there.