Your Hands

your hands erase me

the acrylic stillness of your fingertips

pocketing pieces of my flesh--

a fitting offering for the red want

that floods my veins

you watch painstakingly

as i disappear where my ends meet

where the yearning suffocates

and sizzles like an open wire

in the grey weary night

i have become empty and estranged

uncloaked and unkempt

clinging to the walls

that soothe the edges

and swallow me whole

hold me phantom

a little while longer

EAC © 2010

how it feels...

i can feel it coming now that i am older. slow and pulsating. creeping and suffocating. i can brace myself for the impact. place my hand over my heart and count the beats like a fated metronome. when i was smaller, it would hit me unannounced, hurling me into blackness. the buzzing in my ears would drown out all sound. i would bury my face into my palms, wet with tears. my hot breath moving across the valleys of my hands, the only thing letting me know i was still alive.

now my skin starts to hurt, and i always fear that this is the moment when i have finally become untouchable. i feel the blackness seeping into my lungs, making it hard to breathe. i feel the tar forming underneath my feet, making it hard to move. i feel my heartbeat in my head, trumpeting the static that crackles and screams, making it hard to think or speak. the ghosts get restless and the sheets scrape at my skin. i long for hands that are not my own. words that will soothe the wounds. i try to erase myself and redraw the lines, but my hand shakes and the lines are charged and raw.

when i was smaller, i would climb the trellis on the back porch to the roof where i would lie staring at the sky for hours, waiting for the blackness to leave...inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, hoping that the wind would fill my lungs with air that didn't taste like acid. inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. i would trace words into the roof tiles until my skin bled like some ancient ritual to appease the gods. inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, amen.

i can feel it coming now that i am older. i brace myself for the impact.

the photo

there is a photo of you and i. i am small. my knees curled to my stomach. my face, covered, resting on my hands. mom said that is how i must have slept in the womb, already protecting myself from violence unseen. you are asleep, stretched out, taking up space. i curl up trying to disappear.

you are asleep and i am wide awake, a thin grimace on my face. there is a small distance between us, and i will not cross it, because i don't want to be touched by you. everything in that picture is lifeless. except the sheets--they are only thing filled with color. i still have them. they still smell like that house.

i drove by it once, slowing at the driveway, staring at the oak tree in the front yard, the sloping branches where i would hide, curled up in the womb of the tree waiting for it to pass. there are only a few pictures of us, only one where i am smiling. you rarely smiled. you collected things that were beautiful and tried to keep them still and untouched. sometimes, i think, i am still waiting for it to pass.